Consent

Sexual consent is an active agreement where people can freely and voluntarily give permission for a sexual activity. Consent lets someone know that sex (or particular sexual acts) is wanted. Consent needs to be given without the influence of anything or anybody. Consent cannot be given by folks who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, intimidated, threatened, asleep, or unconscious. Sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault. Consent is also important because it shows the folks you’re with that you or they are happy and comfortable with what’s going on. Consent needs to be an active, continuous process because our desires, choices, and comfort level for things can change. 

Sexual consent is part of a set of skills everyone can learn to have fun, pleasurable and safer sex. It forms a foundation of trust and respect and keeps communication flowing. It is up to everyone to actively participate in and seek consent. This ensures healthy and respectful sexual connections that uphold boundaries and invites free expression of desires. Sexual consent is an important part of all sexual connections regardless of the length of a connection, or relationship. 

I’ve never done [insert sexual activity] before – how do I know if I want to?

A vital part of consent is getting to know yourself and what your personal limitations and hardcore ‘yeses’ are. You might think this goes without saying, but have you ever stopped and made a list of the sexual acts, positions, scenarios you like the idea of? When we’re exploring different types of sex for the first time, it can be hard to know what we like or what we don’t like. If we’ve only ever been able to explore these fantasies in our minds or through porn or TV, it can be hard to imagine what certain sexual acts would feel like in the moment. This might take you some time to work out, especially if this is new for you. Start by exploring what kinds of sexual activity you might be interested in, and what things would be a definite ‘no’ for you. You can do this through masturbating while watching porn or using other material like images, stories, or exploring with your imagination. Using sex toys can be helpful, too. When this is clear in your own mind, it’s easier to be clear when you’re talking with someone else. Remember, just because you think you might be interested in a sexual activity, by the time it’s happening you may not want to anymore – that’s okay. Consent can be revoked (taken back) at any point.

Before sex

Before you have sex, it’s important to communicate with your potential sexual connections what you may want to happen and how you feel about it. This kind of conversation can be playful and fun. It can be foreplay, too! But more than that, it serves to set up an agreement about what each of you like and don’t like – which is the basis of consent. By checking in beforehand where your interests are mutual, you can focus on what’s hot for you at the same time as avoiding the potential for hurting or offending when you get together.

Be honest about how you’re feeling if something is new for you. For example: ‘I want to try bondage, I’ve never done it before though so I’m a bit nervous, can we take it slow?’ This might feel scary, but be rest assured, you will have a much sexier and safer time if you take the plunge after letting your connections know. If you’re the one receiving this information, ensure you create a safe place for them by letting them tell you how they’re feeling, workshopping how they want the sexual experience to unfold, and what they may like to try! This conversation can happen just before sex verbally, or through sexting days in advance. Give them space to be vulnerable when they share their thoughts and desires in a way that empowers and encourages them, even if you don’t want to do some of the things they have asked (that’s okay too!). This can support sexual freedom and can strengthen bonds. Keep in mind that when someone is sharing something that makes them feel vulnerable, you’re in an honourable position. Respond with care, your response can have a significant impact. Don’t yuck someone else’s yum!

Talk about your sexual health

When thinking about the kind of sex you want, make sure to include what kinds of safer sex methods you want to use. Talking about consent with your sexual connections also includes an agreement about how you’re going to protect your sexual health. For example, if you consent to anal sex with a condom, and your sexual connection removes the condom without your permission – that also removes consent. This is something called stealthing, which is sexual assault.

It’s important to take control of your sexual health and be confident about your chosen protection (including condoms/dams, PrEP, U=U, what sex you’re having, lube, etc.). It’s empowering, sexy and normalises the conversation. Getting tested regularly is part of an active sex life. Knowing and being confident about your sexual health status can encourage someone else to find out theirs. The stigma that surrounds STIs and HIV affects everyone, and we can overcome this by simply talking about it openly. Having a chat about safer sex can be a fun and flirty element in your foreplay.

During sex

Setting the scene for a sexy time is essential, but what about during the act? Checking in with your connection during sex is almost as important as checking in before. If there’s anything we can all learn from the BDSM community, consent can absolutely be sexy and not interrupt the sexual experience; actually, it makes it even better! During sex, it’s essential to ask if different actions are okay and then reaffirm that consent once the act has started, to make sure it’s feeling good. As we said before, someone may like the idea of the sexual act; it may turn them on while watching it or thinking about it, but when it comes time for them to participate, they may not want to. As their sexual connection, it’s vital that you are aware of this and are checking in often. You can ask things like ‘do you want me to keep going?’ or ‘does this feel good?’.

A scenario could look something like this:

• If you are making out with someone and want to start to touch their nipples, you could say, ‘I’m getting horny; can I touch your nipples?’. If they consent, you may start to touch them. Once you’ve touched them, check in again and say, ‘Does this feel good to you?’ or ‘Do you like what I’m doing?’.

@messyvoices

It drives me nuts when I hear people say things like, “ugh it kinda kills the mood to have to pause and ask if they want to”. *face palm* It doesn’t need to be as regimented as, “do you consent to sexual interactions with me?”, there are so many sexy and enthusiastic ways to ask for and give consent. Have you ever heard a person say in a breathless voice, “please I want you”… I rest my case.

An important skill here is observation. Watching for cues during sex can give you an idea of what your connection is enjoying and what they are not. Listening for signals such as moaning/lack of moaning and how their body moves/doesn’t move when you touch them are good indicators that they either like what you are doing or not.

Aftercare

Aftercare happens after sex and involves caring for the needs of yourself or the person you have had sex with after sex in a way that is wanted. Aftercare can commonly involve cuddling and talking, showering together, eating food, hanging out, or watching a movie. It’s a nice way to decompress after a sexual experience, and this will look different to everyone.

Seek Support

If you struggle with asking for what you want, forming the connections you wish to, or negotiating your boundaries, consider speaking with a professional to help you in working on these aspects of yourself. Head to our support page if you need to talk.