Safe & Unsafe Relationships

Just like we’re all different and unique, so are all relationships and connections. All relationships look different, and there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution. Relationships can look different based on our needs and wants. Some types of relationships and relationship styles are:

  • Romantic
  • Platonic
  • Sexual
  • Friendships
  • Familial
  • Monogamous
  • Polyamorous
  • Open Relationships

We all deserve to feel safe, respected and celebrated in our relationships. Trans and gender diverse folks are deserving of safe and respectful relationships, regardless of whether or not you have had or want to have any gender affirming care and regardless of what your relationships have looked like in the past. 

What is healthy? 

A healthy relationship doesn’t just look one way. The important thing to pay attention to is how you feel in the relationship. Some signs of a healthy relationship could be that you:

  • Feel safe to bring up things, good and bad.
  • Feel respected and seen for who you are.
  • Feel supported during difficult times.
  • Feel celebrated for who you are. 
  • Know that you are an equal with your partner/s. 

Healthy relationships include:

Communication that is mutual and respectful, including verbal and non verbal communication. This looks like feeling safe to share your thoughts, feelings, worries and needs, and giving others the safety to share their thoughts, feelings, worries and needs with trust and honesty. Building trust and honesty can help you feel like you can rely on your partner/s and feel safe to be vulnerable.

@messyvoices

Communication!! Yes, even the uncomfortable or awkward topics! Make sure you are talking about the little things, before they develop into big things. It’s okay to have boundaries, it’s okay to have expectations, it’s okay to have standards.

Independence from your partner/s to do the things you enjoy and engage with family and friends without them. You should have a sense that your partner/s respects your right to privacy and space. 

Safety, both Physical and Emotional. This means that you are able to communicate and have boundaries around how you want to be treated. You should feel safe from unwanted contact and your partner/s don’t pressure or force you to have sex or do things that leave you feeling uncomfortable. 

Consent that is informed, well communicated and can be withdrawn at any time. Giving consent once doesn’t mean that you have given consent for the future.

In all relationships, setting and negotiating boundaries is important. Boundaries are less about limitation, but rather more about doing what is safe and affirming for all involved. Boundaries can change over time and require regular communication and checking in. Through safe relationships, our boundaries may change. Trans and gender diverse folks are deserving of autonomy and safety in relationships, and boundaries are a great way to exercise your autonomy in relationships. 

 

The following section will contain information about domestic and family violence, including information about and descriptions of different types of abuse. Some of the information may be emotionally challenging to read. Please read with care and know that there is support available to you. Links to support services are at the end of this section.

If you are concerned about your safety or are currently in danger, contact emergency services (000) for help. 

 

 

Domestic Violence and Red Flags

All relationships look different, and the things we all want out of our relationships can be different, which can make it hard to recognise when things aren’t going well or are becoming unsafe.

Domestic and family violence can happen to anyone in any community, regardless of gender identity or expression. The information in this article will help you to identify signs of potential domestic and family violence in your relationships and connections, and in others relationships and connections. It is important to remember that there is support and help available to you.

In many abusive or unhealthy relationships the red flags can be present at the beginning of the relationship, but they may be difficult to identify or it may be challenging to recognise patterned behaviour.  Red flags are warning signs of danger in a relationship.

These are some different types of abuse which flag danger in a relationship or connection:

Physical Abuse – This means a person/s using physical force against you which causes or could cause harm. This includes any physically violent act done to hurt or threaten you. This can also include blocking you from getting away to seek safety. Physical abuse can escalate over time and is never okay. 

Verbal, Emotional and Psychological Abuse – This includes communication that can be verbal or nonverbal that is controlling, manipulative, punishing or degrading. This includes gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that aims to make people question their recollection of events or their idea of reality. These forms of abuse can be hard to identify and often people experiencing this abuse may doubt themselves and find their sense of self worth and independence undermined or diminished.  

Coercive Control – Coercive control is a form of abuse in which someone aims to exert power over another person using fear and control. This often includes monitoring and restricting where you can go, who you can speak to, how you spend money and the everyday choices we should be free to make about our own lives. People who use coercive control may use physical and non physical abuse. Coercive control can be hard to identify and escalate over time. 

Trans and gender diverse folks can face some unique challenges in navigating relationships and coercive control. The following behaviour and experiences could be regarded as coercive control: 

  • Pressure to follow gender norms and not affirm your gender
  • Threatening to out your gender, sexuality, HIV status etc. 
  • Threatening to tell your community lies about you
  • Pressuring you to have sex, or do certain sex acts that you aren’t comfortable with
  • Behaviour with the aim to make you feel isolated from your community, or to be ashamed of your gender identity and gender presentation. 

Coercive control (along with many other forms of abuse) is against the law in the ACT. Legal Aid ACT and the ACT Policing can provide support. Fore more information outlining what coercive control can look like and pathways for support, click here.

Sexual Abuse – This means any sexual behaviour that is unwanted and occurs without consent of all people involved. This can include non-consensual acts and threats of non consensual acts, sharing of intimate images without consent or being coerced into sexual behaviour that you are not comfortable with. 

Stalking – Stalking is when someone harrasses you with repeated unwanted contact and monitors your whereabouts or behaviour. This can include a range of different behaviours with the aim to control and intimidate, and often don’t stop when you ask them to or put boundaries in place. 

Isolation and Intimidation – This happens when someone causes you to be isolated from your support networks. The goal of isolation and intimidation is to make you gain separation from your support network and feel like you have a loss of independence. Experiencing this behaviour by a partner can often make a person less likely to seek help as they may feel afraid of an abusive partner acting on threats of violence. 

Tech Abuse – This involves the use of technology to control, coerce, stalk or harass someone. It can take many different forms, such as excessive and constant unwanted calls/messages/texts, threatening to share your confidential information, and using tracking apps, cameras and device mirroring to monitor your behaviour. 

All of the above experiences are not okay and could be signs of an unhealthy relationship. We are deserving of safe and healthy relationships in which we are able to be our whole selves and feel wholly supported.

@messyvoices

I stayed in unsafe relationships because of heteronormativity for a very long time. Gender based violence stuff is really complex, there are parts of masculinity that say ‘men should be strong, and protectors’ and even if you know this stuff is heteronormative, it can still make you feel like this is how you should be acting. There wasn’t a lot of help, but there is now. There are places like DVCS and AGA that can actually help you. The police systems aren’t as discriminatory as they used to be. Love should never be scary, or something that makes you feel shit about yourself.

People that use violence or abuse in relationships may look to shift the blame of their behaviour/ For example, they may blame their partner for making them angry or doing something that caused their violent behaviour. They may say their behaviour was as a result of feeling stressed, or blame being under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. It is important to remember that someone’s violent behaviour is always their fault and no matter what they say, violence is never okay. 

Say It Out Loud, a website by ACON, provides resources and information about healthy relationships for LGBTQ+ people and provides pathways for support for unhealthy relationships. Say It Out Loud offers a quiz that people can take if they are concerned that a relationship with a partner or family member is abusive or unhealthy.

If you are concerned about how you are being treated in a relationship, or feeling unsafe, there is help available to you. 

If you are concerned about your safety or are currently in danger, it is important that you contact emergency services (000) for help. 

DVCS is a local service that offers crisis help and other support to anyone in Canberra impacted by domestic and/or family violence. To access their crisis services, they can be contacted on their 24/7 crisis line on (02) 6280 0900. If you call the DVCS crisis line, you will speak to someone trained in crisis intervention who understands domestic and family violence. DVCS understands that all relationships are different and won’t make assumptions about your circumstances. 

You can find more information and resources at their website: dvcs.org.au.

Some further information and resources about Domestic and Family Violence: