A Letter to Sexual Connections
Dear Sexual Connections of Trans and Gender Diverse Folk,
Have you stumbled across a trans or gender diverse cutie that you want to have sex with? Hooray!
Having sex with anyone (no matter their gender, or gender experience) should come with a healthy dose of conversation, respect and curiosity, particularly if you’re exploring a new person in a sexual capacity for the first time. However, there are certain things to consider when having sex with trans or gender diverse people, particularly if it’s your first time with a person who’s not cis.
Trans and gender diverse folk are just as unique as everybody else. There’s no one experience of sex, sexual health, or being trans or gender diverse. So, this isn’t a rule book, just some prompts to think about or talk about with the trans or gender diverse cutie you want to bang.
1. Attraction vs. Fetishisation
First and foremost, let me tell you something important. It’s cool that you find trans and gender diverse folk hot. Fact: trans and gender diverse folk are hot. But not in a fetishy way.
Fetishism, fetishisation, and fetishes can mean lots of different things and most of the time, fetishes are a-okay and not harmful. When I talk about fetishisation of trans and gender diverse folk, I’m talking about objectification. This means making a person an object of sexual desire based on an aspect of their body, identity, or status, rather than them as a whole person. It can feel dehumanising to the person, and it’s a big problem if it’s not consensual objectification/fetishisation.
It’s sometimes difficult to tease apart fetishisation from flattery, or attraction, if you’re the person delivering it. So, be guided by respect, consent, and being an ethical sexual person. Get to know someone’s whole self, and all the stories they bring with them rather than focusing on one aspect of them or a body part. Be aware of the power dynamic that exists when you have sex with people who are marginalised in ways that are different from your own experiences and don’t abuse it.
2. Reflect on how you identify your sexuality
Your sexuality is the feeling of attraction (or no attraction) to other people. Sexuality is fluid, and informed by your feelings, behaviour, and self-identity, and can be shaped by experiences, people, and opportunities.
Being attracted to, or having sex with trans and gender diverse folk may affect how you understand or identify your sexuality. But, it’s important to remember that trans and gender diverse folk don’t hold the answers for you. Your sexuality is yours to reflect on and claim. How you identify is your choice and can change over time. What matters most is that you’re comfortable with yourself and that you treat your connections with respect.
Trans and gender diverse folk are the gender they are, not the genitals or experience they have/had. If the gender of the person you’re finding attractive aligns with the gender of the people you usually find attractive, (e.g. you’re a lesbian who has the hots for a trans woman) then you might be consistent in your attraction to women. Alternatively, if it differs from your norm, (e.g. you’re a straight man attracted to a trans man) then this might be leaning inconsistent in who you’re generally attracted to, something to reflect on in understanding your own sexuality! On that note, watch out for your sexual identity erasing gender. If you’re:
- monosexual (attracted to one gender) like heterosexual, gay, or lesbian and
- in an ongoing sexual connection with a person whose gender doesn’t align with how you identify your sexuality (e.g. you’re a straight man in an ongoing sexual connection with a trans man)
It might be time to check in with the person on how your identifier makes them feel and reflect.
A note on consent:
If you’re questioning or exploring your sexuality, cool! Some trans and gender diverse folk might be open to sexually connecting with you while you’re in this process, but it always comes down to consent. If you’re exploring, or it’s your first time connecting with a person of a certain gender/expression, tell them that. This is so they can make an informed decision when it comes to consenting to sex with you.
3. Be open-minded.
We’ve all grown up in a world that’s probably given us a heteronormative (straight) sexual script. A sexual script is the ‘rule book’ or expectations (often internalised) that prescribes traditional, stereotypical roles and behaviours for people in their sexual and romantic relationships. A straight sexual script often tells us that there’s a dominant masculine and submissive feminine, and that sex revolves around penetration and orgasm. Our straight sexual scripts tell us to behave and act in a particular way during sex, which can put a lot of pressure on us to conform to these ‘rules’ even if it’s causing us distress or pain. What if I told you that these ‘rules’ aren’t rules at all? They don’t need to control you or your sex life, and they can be thrown in the bin. So long as you’re having sex consensually, legally, and respectfully, sex can be what you make of it. Consider decentering orgasm/genitals from your sex. Both of these things aren’t necessary to having healthy and fulfilling sexual experiences. Be curious, open-minded, and creative when navigating pleasurable sexual experiences and talk about how you want to have sex with the folks you have sex with. This can be part of your consent conversations. You can start by asking questions like:
- Do you like to have the lights on or off? What about clothes, on or off?
- What turns you on/off? What do you like doing/want to do sexually?
- Would you like to give/receive/both:
- Massage/body touching
- Hand stimulation of genitals
- Oral stimulation of genitals
- Grinding (dry humping/rubbing genitals together)
- Penetration
- Kink/BDSM
- Dirty talk
- Keep adding to this list with your own ideas!
- What positions are you comfortable in?
- Is there anything I can do to alleviate any discomfort?
- What lube do you use?
- What are your safer sex practices?
4. Gender is everywhere
Seriously, it’s everywhere. Gender is in the way we act, dress, express ourselves, connect to each other, touch, have sex, in the names of our sexual acts, words we use to describe bodies, and so much more. When we’re connecting with trans and gender diverse folk and talking about how you want to have sex (point 3), it’s also important to talk about how gender is communicated verbally and non-verbally through this. Ask your connection:
- How should I refer to your gender?
- What would you like me to call your chest area/breasts?
- How would you like your chest area to be touched (if at all)?
- What would you like me to call your genitals?
- How would you like your genitals to be touched/stimulated (if at all)?
- How would you like your body positioned during sex (on top/underneath/behind/in front, etc.)
- What would you like me to call the sexual acts that we do separately? (e.g. jerk off/wank/pleasure myself, etc.)
- What do we call the sexual acts that we do together? (e.g. oral sex on you, grinding, etc.)
- What other words do you use related to sexual acts? (e.g. rub/stroke/touch/lick/suck/fuck/use my hands [internally])
Having a chat about communicating gender can be helpful in guiding sexual experiences, and how you talk about experiences before/during/after sex. Opening this conversation can be vulnerable for everyone involved. So, when you have this chat, actively listen to, respect, and affirm their experiences and move through it gently.
@messyvoices
It is entirely fine to compliment your TGD partner/date/hook up, we’re human after all, and love a good ego boost, but try to avoid really laying on any ‘shock and awe’, or statements like, “wow you’re such a good looking *insert gender here*”. We’re adults, if you’re planning on having sex, plan to talk about it! Discuss the terms they do/don’t like when referring to their body, be genuinely interested in what they like, and what makes them tick. There is a big difference between sincere interest and morbid curiosity – and trust me, we can tell.
5. Go forth!
Get down and dirty, get it on, do the thing. Communicate openly, honestly and regularly. Talking about sex will get easier the more you practice at it, trust me. Actively seek consent from every sexual connection and have regular check-ins about your sex life and how you feel about it to make sure it’s what you and your connections want. What people want during sex might change with time, things might become more open along the way, or you might stumble across uncharted territory that doesn’t feel good, that’s okay too. Watch out for body language and behaviour. If your sexual connection doesn’t seem present or comfortable – stop. This could be a sign that they’re not consenting or comfortable with what’s happening. Check in regularly, and hold space for them to talk about it if they want to. Communicate and adapt where necessary with respect and kindness. If you fumble with gendered words, apologise sincerely and move on, don’t make it about you, make it about how it made them feel.
Approaching a sexual connection with respect, openness, and communication can lead to a more meaningful and pleasurable experience. Remember, every connection is unique, and learning about another person is a journey worth taking. Embrace the experience with an open heart and mind, and you’ll find it’s a beautiful and enriching one.
Be safe and seek pleasure!
