Affirmation & Sexuality
Sometimes, trans and gender diverse folk can experience a shift in their sexuality or desires as they begin to affirm their gender identity. This phenomenon has puzzled many academics and community members, who have yet to establish a definitive reason or consensus on why this happens. So, if you find yourself a little confused, know that it’s perfectly understandable.
The general consensus suggests that as we move closer to aligning our gender identity with our outward expression—whether socially, legally, medically, or in various combinations or none of the above—we may notice changes in our sexuality and desires. These changes could be significantly different from whom or what we were attracted to before affirming our gender. As we spend less mental energy grappling with our gender identity, we may feel freer to explore what feels pleasurable and fulfilling within our bodies. Remember, if you’re experiencing this, you’re not alone!
@messyvoices
I didn’t want my sexuality to change. I didn’t want to have to come out again. I didn’t want the world to see me any more different than I already was. Having to tick boxes so the world can understand MY sexuality and MY gender. …But I had to accept this part of myself. I owed it to myself to explore all the parts of me that felt ‘right’.
Navigating feelings of desire that are new or unfamiliar can be challenging and confronting. It’s really important to try not to feel shame around these feelings. If you find yourself feeling concerned or worried, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone, a friend, someone you trust, or a professional such as a peer worker or psychologist for support.
@messyvoices
My libido went through the roof when I started on T and I even found myself attracted to dudes. That was a huge change for me as I had only ever identified as lesbian before. I felt like I had to come out all over again!
Another aspect of desire that may be affected by affirming gender or undergoing hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is libido. It’s commonly reported among trans and gender diverse folks that their libido either increases or decreases when they start HRT. While there are scientific explanations for these changes, everyone’s biology is different, so let’s not delve into that now.
An increase in libido may lead to a desire for more or different sexual connections with people. Congratulations — what a beautiful thing! Exploring new desires can be exciting and exhilarating. There are numerous safe ways to navigate this period of your life, including hookup apps, dating apps, meeting people in real life, or focusing on solo exploration of pleasure. However, if you’re starting to explore connections with others (and coming into contact with body parts you haven’t previously), there are a few things to keep in mind. You can find more information on consent, making sex safer, aftercare, and a whole lot more throughout messy.
@messyvoices
Oh, prepare for an emotional spectrum shift. Shortly after a T shot if my libido is kicking in, it’s at 100! Same with happy, sad, angry, hungry, whatever the feeling I am feeling it at the extreme level. Then roughly 2 weeks before I am due, I get slower, prone to lethargy, might get the sads, and just a general sense of feeling off. A greater sense of confidence in myself lead to a greater sense of my sexuality and realising that I wasn’t just dabbling in the land of men to fit in, but I was in fact bisexual.
A decrease in libido or sexual function may lead to feelings of loss or isolation. This can be particularly tricky for trans and gender diverse folk. It’s important to remember that there is no shame in this, and you are absolutely not alone! There may be a lot that feelings beyond your control in this regard, but there are a few things you can do:
- Focus of self-pleasure and touch
- Explore alternative ways to connect that aren’t necessarily sexual (but could be)
- Consuming sexual artwork or media with your partner(s)
- Taking the pressure off yourself – you don’t have to have sex or be intimate if you don’t want to.
@messyvoices
With such huge changes to my body, my partners and I started to explore other ways to connect that didn’t involve my body. It was really beautiful actually and allowed us to connect in ways we hadn’t before.
There are so many ways to seek connection and intimacy beyond sex. Take your time and be creative – this could be an opportunity to find new pathways to intimacy and have a whole lot of fun! If you are concerned about any decrease in libido or sexual functioning, please seek medical advice.
Whatever happens to your sexuality and or libido/desires during this time in your life has the potential to be transformative. Take your time, try to limit any guilt or shame associated and know that you’re not alone. There are lots of services and professionals available to talk to if you do need some additional support. Visit our support page for more information.
