Sex Going ‘Wrong’

Throughout this website, we present information that is specific and descriptive about body parts and potential risks, but we avoid describing the genders of people to whom this information might apply. We use medical terms such as “vagina”, “anus”, and “penis” to describe relevant body parts. However, we encourage you to use the language that feels most comfortable for you when talking about yourself or being referred to by others. When interacting with health providers, partners, and sexual connections, we encourage you to request the language that is most affirming and appropriate for you.

Sometimes, sex doesn’t go as seamlessly or as smoothly as we had planned. More often than not, things will happen that will draw our attention away from the matter at hand. Things like muscle cramps, farts, funny noises, dysphoria, accidently calling out your ex-partners name… the list is honestly endless! Sex is messy, and all these experiences are in the realm of normal and are nothing to feel any shame or embarrassment over. We’ve picked out four common ‘messy’ experiences below.

1. Pain

It’s not uncommon to experience some pain or physical discomfort during sex, there’s delicate tissue down there. For folks who have chosen hormonal/surgical affirmation, things like natural lubrication can change, amongst a raft of different things! Vaginal/front hole or anal dryness can make friction of soft tissue painful. So, when you think about the amount of friction that occurs during sex or foreplay – it’s no wonder sometimes our bodies may feel a little sensitive. Pelvic pain is also extremely common at some point during a life, and some people experience persistent or recurrent pain during sex.

If something starts to feel uncomfortable or painful, stop, and tell your sexual connection. If pain persists, speak to a healthcare practitioner to get it checked out. Sexual pain is common, but it’s not normal, and not something that you have to put up with.

There are also specific products available that may make things slightly less sore. This can include toys, sexual supports and lube, which can help when things feel dry. 

2. Lack of Arousal 

Sexual arousal and libido (and associated genital responses) can change over a course of a life. Bodies can react differently to sexual stimulation over time. Sometimes, physical arousal (such as genital response) doesn’t always match our mental or emotional feelings of arousal. In other words, your body might show signs of arousal without you actually feeling turned on, or you might feel mentally or emotionally aroused without significant physical signs. This is called arousal non-concordance. It’s normal and common for your body to react one way while your mind feels another, and this doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, it’s just how bodies work sometimes. Navigating this can be a lesson in self-compassion and understanding. It can help to redefine our sexual responses and better appreciate the diversity and complexity of sexual experiences. Go gently with yourself. 

If changes in your libido, arousal, or sexual response are concerning or distressing to you, you can speak to a health practitioner, counsellor, or sex therapist about it. There may be support, exercises, or medications that a professional can provide, and telling them is the first step. 

3. Barrier protection breaking

Even if you’ve made sure your barrier is in date and you’ve used your first line of defence against barriers breaking (lube), barriers are still not 100% break proof. We know this can be a scary thing to happen, so there are a few simple rules to follow if you find yourself in this situation.

  • Once you become aware of the barrier breaking/tearing in any way, stop what you’re doing immediately.
  • Withdraw from any penetration.
  • Take off the broken barrier, replace with a fresh and in date barrier and reapply a water/silicone-based lube.
  • Get back to it!

After sex, book for an STI test. If you’re having the kind of sex that could involve HIV transmission and you don’t have another line of defence (PrEP/U=U), you may be eligible for PEP. PEP can be found at emergency departments, and must be started within 72 hours of the potential HIV exposure. The sooner you start PEP the better, it’s most effective within the first 24 hours.

4. Dysphoria 

For some folks, dysphoria can rear its head during sex and it can feel stressful and upsetting. Dysphoria manifests in many different ways, but it can often centre on discomfort with or around your body, making sex a pretty common trigger. Not all trans and gender diverse folk experience dysphoria, and that’s equally valid. We’ve got lots of tips for navigating dysphoria and euphoria during sex here.

@messyvoices

I’ve experienced shame and pain associated with my body during sex. It’s intense to work through those feelings while you’re with somebody else in the moment. Taking time to explore my body by myself with any means I had (toys, porn, etc.) helped me reclaim my body and myself as a trans person. It’s beautiful and worth the time.

If dysphoria becomes overwhelming during sex, remember that it’s okay to stop. You are not obligated to continue any activity that doesn’t feel right. Engage in self care activities that soothe and ground you, take a shower, enjoy a comforting meal, go for a walk, or indulge in your favourite video game. These actions can help you decompress and reset.

Most importantly remember you are not alone and these feelings are very common!