What is Sex?

Sex can be anything you make of it. Sex can be expressive, connective, affirmative, relieving, fun, explorative, messy, confidence-building, passionate, comfortable, pleasurable, and most importantly, must be consensual. Sex is also about communication and exploring different options that suit all kinds of people, parts, and practices. Mainstream sex education often excludes us, teaching us that sex is defined by specific actions and the genders of the folks doing it. So, sex can sometimes feel like uncharted territory. For some of us, affirmation can change our feelings about sex and who we’re sexually attracted (or unattracted) to, which can create even more opportunities for new sexual experiences. Sex is flexible and can be experienced by anyone, regardless of their body or gender. So, whether you’re here to learn something new or to validate what you already know, we invite you to explore sex on your terms and find what feels right for you. Sex can involve orgasm, but it’s important to remember that it doesn’t have to for it to be ‘good’. ‘Good’ sex is what feels comfortable for you.

@messyvoices

I had to redefine what sex was to me before I felt completely affirmed within my gender identity. For such a long time I was conditioned that sex was penetrative between a “man” and a “woman”. To say I feel liberated since learning more about sex, what it can involve, is an understatement!

Masturbation

Playing with or touching your own genitals and erogenous zones is an important part of sexual discovery that helps you find what feels good, safe, and pleasurable, or the opposite! Masturbation has many health benefits, including lowering stress levels, improving sleep, providing pain relief, and even boosting the immune system! It’s also normal to not enjoy masturbating, it’s not for everyone!
For some trans and gender diverse folk, exploring their bodies, especially after undergoing physical changes, can promote feelings of safety and empowerment within their evolving bodies. Self-discovery through masturbation can play a really positive role in your journey of understanding yourself and your body.

How to make masturbation safer:

• Use plenty of lube to reduce friction and increase comfort.
• Ensure that any sex toys or prosthetics are clean before use. Wash them with mild soap and warm water or a toy cleaner.
• Consider using condoms on toys, especially if sharing them with someone else.
• Keep your hands clean to reduce the risk of infection.
• Explore masturbation in a private, comfortable, and safe space to ensure you feel secure.

Penetrative Stimulation

Penetration can involve body parts, prosthetics, sex toys, and more. It can be enjoyed by any body part that has an opening. With enough lubricant and clear communication, many people can experience pleasure through penetration. It’s also normal to not enjoy penetration, it’s not for everyone! 

How to make penetration safer:

• Communicate about what feels comfortable and pleasurable and get consent before exploring different areas.
• Use water-based or silicone-based lubricants to reduce friction and prevent tears.
• Use condoms for penetrative sex to prevent the transmission of STIs.
• Consider PrEP if you’re at higher risk of HIV. 
• Use gloves when using fingers for penetration, and make sure your hands are clean.
• Clean sex toys and prosthetics before and after each use to avoid infection or irritation
• Always check in during penetrative stimulation to ensure it remains pleasurable and comfortable for all involved.
• Get regular sexual health tests to stay informed about your health.

Oral 

Oral stimulation involves using the mouth to stimulate the genitals of another. This can include licking or sucking various parts of the body, such as the penis/external genitals, vulva, fronthole, clitoris, anus (rimming), prosthetic, toy, balls, or other erogenous zones.

How to make oral sex safer:

• Communicate about what feels comfortable and pleasurable and get consent before exploring different areas.
• Use dental dams or cut condoms to prevent direct contact with bodily fluids and reduce STI transmission.
• Consider using flavoured lubes for added comfort and taste during oral sex.
• Ensure good oral hygiene, as cuts or sores in the mouth can increase STI transmission.
• Avoid oral sex if you have any open sores or infections in or around your mouth, like cold sores/herpes.
• Always check in during oral to ensure it remains pleasurable and comfortable for all involved.

Touching and Erogenous Zones

Our hands can be some of our biggest pleasure givers. There are plenty of spots between our legs that can make us feel good, and there are other pleasure points (erogenous zones) all over the body too! Some erogenous zones include: genitals, chest, nipples, anus, perineum, inner thighs, butt cheeks, neck, ears, lower back, abdomen, arms, hands, feet, and toes. Arousal can change from person to person, and sensitive spots might depend on who you’re touching, but exploring different areas can be a fun way to find what feels good.

How to make touch safer:

• Wash hands well before touching yourself or someone else to prevent infections.
• Use lube to enhance pleasure without causing irritation or friction.
• Ensure nails are trimmed and filed smooth to avoid accidental scratches or injuries.
• Communicate about what feels comfortable and pleasurable and get consent before exploring different areas.
• Use gloves when using fingers for penetration, for multiple bodies or body parts.
• Always check in during touch to ensure it remains pleasurable and comfortable for all involved.

@messyvoices – Trans man.

I almost wish we could change the word from sex to pleasure. That’s when things started to change for me – sex was always a thing I needed to do to feel good about myself. I wanted to please the other person, but that didn’t feel like pleasure for me. Reframing it into what pleasure is and what feels good really opened my mind about what sex could be. I want people to stay open and non judgemental with yourself and with your partners when exploring what pleasure could feel like. 

BDSM

BDSM and kink involve practices centred around consent, intimacy, and trust. Although, if you were watching any mainstream media depiction, you probably won’t see much of this at all. These practices can be deeply rewarding and fulfilling when engaged in safely. BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. 

How to make BDSM safer:

• Establish clear communication and consent before, during, and after any BDSM activity.
• Use safe words or signals to ensure activities can be stopped immediately if needed.
• Start slowly and use safer tools, such as cuffs with quick-release mechanisms or softer restraints.
• Communicate about what feels comfortable and pleasurable.
• Consider aftercare to check in on your emotional and physical well-being and that of your connection(s) after any BDSM play.
• Clean any toys, tools, or equipment thoroughly after each use to avoid infections or irritations.

For more information about BDSM and Kink play and safety, visit:

• Dominance and submission: a guide to Dom/sub dynamics | Mashable
• A guide to gay kink, bondage and safety for guys into guys | Emen8

Fetish play

Fetishes involve sexual excitement in response to objects, body parts, or situations that are not typically considered innately sexual. Fetish play can also include a wide range of interests, from power dynamics to specific objects or body parts. Some common examples of fetishes include:

• Having sex with multiple people (threesomes, orgies, gang bangs, etc.)
• Power and control dynamics, including rough sex or BDSM (above)
• Specific body parts, such as feet, hands, hair, etc.
• Specific objects, such as leather, shoes, gloves, rubber, etc. 

It’s also important to note that people and bodies can be fetishised based on factors such as cultural background, gender identity, disability etc. Objectification and fetishisation can be fun and thrilling when it’s consensual, with aftercare. It can also not feel nice. Make sure to check in with yourself and your sexual connections often and always!

There are lots of services and professionals available to talk to if you need support. Visit our support page for more information.