Letting Folks Know
Trans and gender diverse folk navigate different spaces and interactions with new and different people everyday. At times, we may have questions as to when, how and who to disclose your identity or experience to, or come out.
Choosing to tell people our identities and experiences is a personal decision. In the context of a sexual or romantic connection, some may choose to share their trans/gender diverse identity or experience before meeting someone. Some may choose to share when they are getting to know someone and feel a little safer. Some may choose to never disclose their trans/gender diverse identity or experience.
Disclosure is ultimately a personal choice and there is no right or wrong way to disclose or not to disclose. Trans and gender diverse folk can be met with the harmful misconception that we are trying to trick or trap potential sexual connections by not disclosing, but it is our right to choose when and to whom we disclose our identities or experiences to.
This article will contain information around disclosing your trans or gender diverse identity or experience in a few different settings.
Preparation
When approaching a disclosure conversation, it is important to have a plan to keep yourself safe. We deserve to feel accepted and celebrated when disclosing our identity or experience, however people’s reactions can sometimes be unpredictable.
We suggest creating a little (or detailed) safety plan! This could involve discussing your plan with a trusted friend, having the conversation in a public place, or telling a friend about the details of your meetup so you can check in with them or catch up for a coffee and debrief. Just remember to include things you think will support feelings of empowerment, calmness and safety!
When approaching the conversation let the other person know that you want to have a more serious conversation, if that’s what it means to you. Choose a time when you can talk openly without distractions, and it can be helpful to have a plan of what you want to say!
Health Settings
Everyone, regardless of gender identity or background, will need access to healthcare at some point in their lives, and we all have a right for that care to be safe and inclusive of our whole selves.
It is important that your healthcare practitioner knows and understands your identity and what that means for your health when it is medically necessary and appropriate. It may not always be medically necessary for your healthcare provider to know!
Sometimes in a health setting, people may need to disclose our identity to other people (when relevant) and it’s important for you to know that you have control over this. Your information is private and you have the right to keep information to yourself if you feel necessary!
If disclosing your gender identity in a health setting seems daunting, try identifying where in that health setting you may be able to seek some support. This could be the person checking you in for your visit, a social worker or other wellbeing staff, or an understanding nurse or a doctor with experience working with trans and gender diverse folk. You could ask any of these people to disclose your gender identity on your behalf when needed, or ask them specifically not to disclose your gender identity on your behalf.
It is important to remember that it is not okay if you experience othering or discrimination in a health setting, and you have a right to access health care that is safe, affirming, consent driven and values your privacy. If you are concerned about ill treatment on the basis of your gender identity, consider contacting the Human Rights Commission.
Friends and Family
Letting your friends and family into your whole self and letting them know your identity can feel like a really big thing to do! Again, this is a huge act of courage, and one that you may spend a lot of time imagining how it’s all going to go. But the truth is we can’t really be sure until we do it! Here are a few things we can do to help keep safe:
- Check in with the person and make sure they have time to have a serious conversation
- Ahead of time, plan what you may want to say and how you want to say it. For example it may be best to have a face to face conversation or you may think it better to be delivered via text. But remember, if you do send this information via text, email or on socials, it can be screenshotted, forwarded,and kept.
- Consider taking someone with you. A trusted friend or family member could provide support for both of you in managing feelings and questions. Alternatively, are you comfortable with a friend or family member having this conversation on your behalf?
- What do you plan to do after the conversation? Are there self care practices that you can utilise to help you feel centred again? After all, you could be feeling a bit anxious or uneasy about this conversation and it may be important to ‘fill your cup back up’!
Choose when the time feels right for you. Different people may need to know at different times and that’s ok. If you feel like you need some additional support or someone to talk to, head to our support page for more resources.
@messyvoices
Everything became exponentially easier for me when I realised that my identity is my own, for me, and is not defined by society, my family or culture. The stress that just dropped off was related more to fitting into the labels (woman, man, non-binary etc.), than living authentically. The definitions of gender terms change with the wind, as does my identity, and so any label I chose could only trap and contain me. Working on understanding myself, presenting and becoming more like what felt natural could now happen without focusing on how my loved ones and strangers would receive it. Of course, my identity will interact with the world, but by that time, I had the confidence in myself to address these discussions without labels. I could reassure my people that I am just doing what feels right and that I am ok.
Sexual Connections
Letting your sexual connections know about your identity or experience may be important to you and them. Again, disclosure is a personal choice, and it is up to you who, when and how you disclose your gender identity and experience. Letting a sexual connection know (and when) can depend on a couple of things:
- Meeting online: You can include your identity or experience in your profile, if you are safe to do so. Consider how you’re identified online through images or other information, if this is important for your safety and wellbeing. If it’s not on your profile, you can let your connection know via message throughout your conversation.
- Meeting IRL (in real life): If meeting at an event or through friends, you may feel comfortable to let them know casually and early on or wait until you have gauged what their opinions and views are. There isn’t really a recipe for this one but trust your instincts. If there is someone who can support you with this, lean on them!
Friends and Family of Sexual Connections
Coming out to the friends or family of your sexual connections must be a negotiation between you and your connection. It’s important to know what you feel comfortable disclosing and what you don’t, and to then communicate this with your connection. Your comfort and boundaries are extremely important. Your identity and life is your information to share. If you feel like you need some additional support with this, head to our support page.
What to do if it doesn’t go according to plan?
If the disclosure does not go as hoped, it is really important to remember that this person’s reaction or beliefs are NOT a reflection on who you are. You have chosen to let them into your truth, and that is an act of courage. It’s also important (if you feel comfortable) to reach out to your support network to work through any tricky feelings that may arise. You are deserving of love, respect and kindness. If you feel like you need some additional support with this, head to our support page.
