Aftercare

Aftercare happens after sex and involves caring for the needs of yourself or the person you have had sex with after sex in a way that is wanted. Aftercare can commonly involve cuddling and talking, showering together, hanging out and watching a movie. It’s a nice way to decompress after a sexual experience, and this will look different to everyone. Aftercare can be a beautiful exchange of emotions or physical actions supporting your and your partner’s sexual and emotional safety. Aftercare needs to come from a genuine place of care and respect, and if you can master that, you won’t go wrong!

What do my partner/s want after sex?

Ask them! Having a conversation before you hook up about what your partner would like as aftercare could be a great place to start. Talking about aftercare can be super sexy. Ask your partner questions like:

• ‘What kinds of things do you like after sex? I like staying naked together for a bit.’
• ‘If you feel vulnerable after we hook up, is there anything I can do to help you feel safe again?’.
• ‘Do you like to cuddle after sex or get up and have a shower?’.

This is also an opportunity to set the scene for what you require. You could think about saying things like:

• ‘Sometimes I can have some tricky feelings after sex and would be keen to go back to mine after and watch a movie. It always makes me feel a bit better, would you like to come?’

Aftercare doesn’t just have to stop at the post-sex exchange, either! It’s great to get into the habit of checking in on the days after you have sex, as well. Sometimes, it takes time to process all your thoughts, feelings and emotions and having a sexual connection respect that and check in can make them feel supported and validated.

@messyvoices

Sexual fantasies, desires, and actions can be quite different to our typical demeanour, which means after a solid sex session it’s important to come back down into reality and reconnect. Things can get rough, words and language come out that nobody can predict, and afterwards it’s nice to know that I’m not just someone’s fuck toy but also loved and important outside of the bedroom. I find some quality entanglement, arms and legs around each other, slow kissing, and remember our mouths can be used for some of the SEXIEST stuff… communication. Talk about what you really enjoyed, perhaps what was less great, emotions that it evoked, what you might like to try next time. Some of the most connective conversations I have had have been during aftercare and has really given me some great ideas for next time.

What if there isn’t time, or they don’t want to?

Having sex, particularly sex with strangers or in venues, can be exciting and thrilling, but there isn’t always time for a chat. This can flood our brains and bodies with all sorts of chemicals that can feel great at the time but might be followed by a crash. Aftercare doesn’t always need to be long or look the same, it can also include offering your contact details to someone for contact tracing if any STIs are around. 

Can I do this for myself?

Sometimes, there might be occasions where it’s up to you to create feelings of safety and warmth for yourself, within yourself!

Some people can feel cold, tired, vulnerable, and sore after a sexual encounter. Particularly for people living with a disability or other chronic conditions, these feelings might be exacerbated. It’s essential to think about the potential toll on your body and be prepared. Have fun and get creative! Here’s some ideas for what you could do to support you self-care:

• ask a friend to come over and help build a pillow fort and watch movies to help with any feelings of loneliness;
• take some medication that can help with swelling (e.g. ibuprofen), a shower and read a book to help centre yourself and reduce any swelling or pain
• keep snacks or comfort food ready and waiting for you when you get home

@messyvoices

Pre-affirming my gender I had really only ever been the one to offer aftercare. I found myself playing a more sexually dominant role (which felt more in line with the gender I knew I was) and this often meant that casual and even more regular sexual connections just didn’t offer any aftercare, and I never felt confident enough to ask. I would sometimes feel very lost and very alone after sex. The beauty of this is-I found that I can give myself aftercare! For me playing some video games, a nice warm shower and eating food helps me get back into my body and if my partner isn’t available for aftercare, I know I can do this myself!

How you meet your wants and needs is entirely up to you!